„You still have not answered!“, I said reproachfully this morning. I was on the go with the Fritz-Dog. We had high tides, and in some places I had to climb a bit, in order to follow the path we had taken. I had put on my jogging shoes, not the waterproof boots, and could not wade through the water like Fritz did. But my reproach was not directed at Fritz, but at God. For several weeks I had moved a situation, that had shown in pastoral care with a woman. Since then, I prayed that God would give us the key to this situation, that could not be solved. Not through counselling methods, not through prayer, liberation, EMDR, and not everything else, that can be found in my toolbox. I had tried everything until in the end the empty bottom of the toolbox grinned maliciously. Since then, I have asked God for the key. First of all, that he may tell me what the key to this situation is.
As the woman was about to return to the pastoral care about an hour later, I said, „You still have not answered and said, what the key is, Jesus. This is the last chance, if I should know it before the next session begins. Or you have to tell me then. „
And then I heard it. Very quiet. Without a picture. Without noise. It was like a whisper in my thoughts. Just there. And the answer was pretty simple. So I had to briefly think about, whether it might just have been my own thought, which I interpreted as God’s voice.
That’s how it often happnes to me. When I started to hear God’s voice (I’m convinced that he’s been talking to me all my life (just like any other human being), I mostly did not even notice it), at first it was often very striking. A dream that stands out clearly from the many other processing dreams (I dream a lot and colorful). Or pictures that stood in front of my eyes. A knowledge that I had simply not acquired in the normal way, but what was there from one moment to the other – often for another person, of whom I could not know. That was often like a thunder. Loud, clear, unmistakable.
In the meantime, however, this loud speaking of God is rare. More and more, the soft voice of God has penetrated my everyday life. Often it is barely distinguishable from my own thoughts. My own thoughts I can well distinguish from Jesus‘ voice, because they take the main part of my thinking – many very human thoughts. The other way around, it’s hard. When I hear. When I ask Jesus something and wait for his answer, it is difficult to distinguish his speech from my thoughts. Often his voice differs barely noticeable from my own thoughts. Sometimes not at all. And then it is very difficult for me to tell, if Jesus was talking, or if it were my thoughts … My feeling for it is growing steadily, my safety in it too. But still I question it every time. The only way to find it out is to try it out. To express what I hear, and then to see if it’s true.
Sometimes that is very impressive. For example, when I was praying with two friends for a young woman, who had been programmed (mindcontrol). We did not know how to solve this programming, so we asked Jesus. Suddenly, I had a number combination in mind. Four numbers. Over and over again. And I sat there sweating. Had I thought it all up, seen too many thrillers, or did these four numbers really matter? Were they the code, with which the young woman had been programmed? I took a heart and spoke out these numbers after a brief explanation, that I was unsure about it. Nothing happened. ‚That was nonsense,‘ I thought. But since we already had some experiences with the talk of God, we asked again. And I heard again (softly in thought, not vocally) Jesus‘ voice: „First in German, then in English, then in French.“ And again these doubts: Do I invent that stuff, because I want to have meaning for the four Numbers? – What is, if it does not work again? – What will the others think then? What will the young woman think, will she still trust in my abilities? All this (and more) went through my head. Then I just said it all, and my two co-counselors and the young woman thought. we should just give it a try. So I said the four numbers. In German, in English, in French. And it happened. Something was clearly happening in the young woman. The programming was solved and, in the end, the change that took place, was one of the most important ones in her healing process. The four numbers and the order of languages were the codeword with which her tormentors had tortured the programming into her. If I had kept what I heard, because of my uncertainity, we would not have experienced how this matter was resolved and the young woman was freed from it. And we would not have experienced, how clearly and exactly God speaks to us, when we need it.
It is a peculiar thing,hearing the voice of God. Especially if that voice is a whisper. A whisper in our thoughts – and hardly (and sometimes not at all) is different from our own thinking. I wonder, why it can not always be like a thunder. Then I would know it exactly. Then I could not be wrong. And it would not carry the possibility, to be embarrassing. That would be much easier.
But one thing is clear to me, because I know myself: If Jesus‘ speeches were always this thunder, then I would ask less. I would be staying less in conversation with Jesus. Listen less accurately. Maybe that’s why Jesus mostly whispers to me. Because it is a chance for deepening our relationship.
This morning I heard something about the key, when I asked Jesus, there at the beach. I carried it with me to the counselling session. At first I was not sure if it was true. Whether it was important. Was it even possible? And then it came the point in the session, where I thought, now it was on. The woman, who sought pastoral care, had brought her husband today. And when I said, that I had prayed to have the key, and that I believed I had heard, what that key was and then told it, her husband winced and said, that he had heard exactly the same thing before. That he had asked God because of this situation and God had told him, „I give you a key“ – and then told him, what the key is. And it was literally in line with what Jesus had said to me on the beach. This experience encourages me to trust this quiet voice more deeply. Not to dismiss it, but to implement, what Jesus tells me in this way. Even if it sometimes costs me a lot of courage.